Dear Lavender
by InFoDaGigs
Summary: Naruto agrees to masquerade as Lavender for Sakura's advice column while she's away on a school trip in Paris. [sasunaru] [AU]
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

My legs are jelly as I pedal faster. Can't be late! Gotta get to school! Gotta get these papers in! My life and career depends on it! Sometimes I wish I could split myself in two, you know. Then I can get the other half to do the boring stuff like study and go to school, and I could just get on with life. Sometimes I really wish that sort of thing was possible.

I skid to a halt in front of the front steps of good ol' Saratobi Prep and park my bike in the rack, rush into Admin and dump the papers in the appropriate cubbies. Phew. Close one. But I got them in just in time. I check the big clock behind the admin counter. Still got a few minutes to get to class. I can't be late again, or the principal will roast me and probably kick my butt outta here.

I can't let that happen. I motor out of the office and head down toward History. Not my favourite subject – not that I like school at all – but not the worst. Philosophy. The _worst_ waste of time ever. I hope whoever came up with philosophy choked on there own meta … meta … whatever it is big shot talk. It's too late to transfer out, but at least I don't have to deal with it first thing in the morning.

'Naruto!'

The familiar urge to run and hide comes over me as Sakura storms toward me. She looks really angry; her eyes are huge and her fists are all bunched. I didn't do anything. Not this time. Positive. I can't remember doing something to make her that mad. I'm looking for an escape; I could jump the steps and gun it to the library? Yeah, I could out run her. She's wearing those pointy high shoes. No way she could catch me.

She's on me and I hold my arms up defensively. 'I haven't done anything. Promise, Sakura. Calm down, okay. I promise –'

'What are you talking about, you idiot?' She slings her arm around my neck. I can't take her weight! I mean, what? She's not heavy. No. Of course not. That's crazy talk. Believe it!

'Sa-Sakura –' I can't breathe! She's crushing me.

Finally, she jumps away and puts her hand to her mouth. 'Oh, I'm sorry, Naruto. Are you okay?' I'm gasping some, spluttering and dragging in air like it's gone out of style. 'You're fine,' she says and drags me up the steps onto the second-floor landing. 'Look. Naruto, I need to ask a favour.'

What? No! The last time she asked a favour I ended up dressed in drag, singing karaoke at her cousin's birthday! No! I'm not doing any more favours for her.

'I'm going to Paris with the graduate fashion class,' she continues. She's doing that thing where she's trying to make it sound like it's no big deal, but actually rubbing it in my face. 'Ino's coming too, so I can't ask her to do it. Actually, you're about the only person. Everyone else is way to busy, so you have to do it.'

'Do what?' She's rambling on but hasn't actually said what she wants. Not that I'm doing it though. I'm just curious.

She's dragging me around the corner; looks like we're heading to the library, but she keeps going on down the corridor.

'I'll be way too busy, going to all the fashion shows and fashion stores. I won't have any spare time at all. I'll be exhausted! Can you imagine?'

Not one bit. 'Where are we going, Sakura?' I peek into windows as she drags me down the hall. The rooms are full of sewing machines and bright materials everywhere. She pulls me into one of the rooms and plops me down at a long table covered in shiny blue material. A dummy is wearing a skirt next to the table, the skirt's in the same blue material.

She pulls a shiny pink tablet from her bag and presents it to me dramatically. 'This is it. I hope you don't mind, Naruto. I'll just be way to busy to deal with it in Paris.'

She shoves the tablet under my nose and I'm bombarded with pink and flowers and love hearts and all that girly stuff girls go gaga for. I read the title on the page.

'Ask-'

'Lavender. I know! Brilliant isn't it? No one knows it's me. And they won't know it's you either. Or they better not,' she growls.

'What is it?' Some sort of fan site for everything pink and girly?

Sakura rolls her eyes and jabs her finger at the screen. 'Isn't it obvious?'

'No.'

She groans. Well, how am I supposed to know what it is? A girly gardening site of something? She looks around and leans in. 'It's my advice column,' she whispers.

'Advice column?'

She clamps her hand over my mouth. 'Shhhhhhhhh. _Secret_ advice column. There's messed up people out there, seeking the trusted and good advice from Lavender.'

'Advice about what?'

'You idiot! What do you think it's for?' She looks like she's gonna hit me, but then pulls herself together and takes a deep breath. 'I mean,' she says through gritted teeth, 'it's obviously for love advice. Obviously. What else?'

I snort. Can't help it. 'Love? You?'

'Yes. Love. And I'm pretty good at it thank you very much. I've helped loads of lovesick, heartbroken girls and guys with their love problems.'

And then I stopped laughing. 'And what do you want me to do with it?'

She swoops on me, hugs me around the shoulders. 'I want you to be Lavender.'

'What!? Are you serious!? I can't do that. It's … It's … For girls.'

'Only while I'm away. No one will now it's you.'

'No way! Nah uh, Sakura. Find somebody else.'

I get up to leave to make my point. I'm not doing it! No way! Believe it!

'Look, it's easy,' she's saying, stepping after me. She slides quickly in front of the door, blocking my escape. 'They send you messages and then you give them advice. Just make it up, they won't know. I'll show you.' She grabs my arm and pushes me back into the chair, shoving the tablet in front of me again.

'Trusted advice, huh?'

'Shut up and watch.' She opens the messages and scrolls through. There's a lot of them. And I mean a lot. Over a hundred at least. So many saps hanging off Sakura's words of wisdom. 'Here's one,' she announces and clicks on the message. I read the thing, trying not to laugh.

 _Dear Lavender_

 _I'm with a guy who has begun to distance himself from me. He used to shower me with attention and gifts and dinners, but now I can barely get him to take me out once a week. I haven't done anything different, but he's pushing me away for no reason. Please help._

 _Sincerely_

" _ColdEmptyBed"_

I can't help it, I can't hold the laugh in any more.

WUMP!

Ow …

'Can it, Naruto. If you're not going to take this seriously –'

'I'm not doing it!'

'You're such an idiot!'

'Me? What about that chick huh? Obviously, the poor guy can't afford to take her out anymore, but can't tell her that, coz she'll dump him. You're all like it, happy until you can't get what you want anymore … What?'

Sakura was staring at me, grinning a bit. Looking a bit crazy actually. It sends a cold shiver down my spine.

'You know, Naruto, sometimes you are very surprising.' Then the grin fades.

WUMP!

'Hey, whad'ya do that for?'

'I can't say that to her! She'll blame me when they break up and then where will I be? You idiot!'

'Fine, don't tell her. Just stop hitting me, would ya.'

She huffs and starts typing a reply. She's concentrating pretty hard on it too. She taps send, breathes "there", glances at me.

'You know, Naruto. I wouldn't be asking you if I wasn't desperate. I need you to do this for me.'

'I'm not cut out for –'

'I'll go on a date with you.'

What? What!?

'If you agree to be Lavender for one week. I'll go on a date with you.'

I can't help grinning. My brain only hears "I'll go on a date with you". I can't stop my mouth agreeing.

'Good,' she says. 'So, watch what I do. It's easy, I promise.' Then her face darkens. 'But, if you mess up, I will ki –'

'I won't.' For a date with Sakura? 'You have my word. I'll do it right.'

'One date, Naruto. One. I'm not promising anything other than that.'

Hehe. One date? She'll be begging for another one. Two! Believe it!

She shows me the ropes, hands me the tablet and stands up. 'I have to go. I have so much to do before I go to Paris. You'll be great, Naruto. I believe in you.' She gives a sort of half-hearted smile slash snarl or something and breezes out of there.

Okay.

Okay, I can do this. The tablet's still on the page, there's a small red "24" on the messages icon. I'm going on a date with Sakura, I'm going on a date with Sakura. I repeat it in my head and shove the table in my bag. I'll deal with this at lunch, right now I'm late. Again.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

At lunch I headed down to the river. Hey, it's a nice day and nobody I know hangs out down there. It would be nice and private to deal with the pink tablet. I can't believe Sakura got me to agree to do this, but she has this way of making me do anything she wants. Her famine charms and … and … whatever that other thing is that makes me do stuff is completely irresistible.

Yeah, she's hot. Anybody with eyes can see it, but sometimes I wish I could keep my head around her. Guess being in love with her for years has done something to my brain. She just knows exactly what to say and do to make me do things I wouldn't usually do.

I take out the tablet. This is definitely one of those times, but I made a promise and I never go back on my word. Before I tried thinking of some way to get out of it. The best I'd come up with was telling her I'd gone temporarily blind and couldn't possibly read the messages. Yeah. Right. Totally believable, right? It's like my imagination has run away with my pride. Plus, Sakura would totally see through it and actually break me if I told her I wasn't doing it.

Nope.

I agreed to do it, so I'm gonna see it through no matter what!

In the past two hours since class, the "24" was now "129". When did these people get a chance to post to the thing? Didn't they have class? They must be desperate if they can't even wait til lunch to ask their questions.

I scroll through some of the messages. Blah blah blah … _he dumped me_ … blah blah … _I want him back! Help!_ Blah blah blah blah … moving on. I start a wheel of fortune, stopping randomly on some of the posts, but it's all the same stuff. Blah blah blah … _I want him back …_ blah blah blah blah … _Can I get him back?_ … Blah … _I know he's cheating. What can I do?_ … Not much if he's already moved on. Blah blah. Blah blah blah … _I like my boyfriend's best friend –_

I scroll back to that one. Finally! Something almost interesting. I click on the message and read it.

 _Dear Lavender_

 _I have a massive problem. I don't know how to say this, but for the past couple of months – yes months – I've been falling for my boyfriend's friend. I'll call him "Kimaru". I realised that I wasn't finding my boyfriend all that interesting anymore and was only hanging out with him because "Kimaru" was always there. I actually looked forward to spending time with my guy, only because "Kimaru" would be there too. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, it's just I seem to have a connection with "Kimaru" and we like the same things and he's interesting and funny. I can't help it! I think I'm in love with him! What do I do? Do I stay with my boyfriend? Or do I try it with "Kimaru"? Which one would you choose?_

 _Please help!_

 _Hopelessly Devoted_

I can't help but laugh. "Hopelessly Devoted"? Psshh, yeah right. If she was, she wouldn't be looking somewhere else. She obviously couldn't resist something new and shiny and this other guy was her escape from the boredom of her current relationship. I crack my knuckles, preparing to reply. Sakura could rip my arms from their sockets if I didn't get it right, so I just had to be careful with what I said.

 _Dear Hopelessly Devoted_

 _I can see the problem. Sometimes, if things aren't working out it's better to bite the bullet and move on. If you're that excited by the other guy, you could always see if he feels the same. But, you have to be smart about it. Don't let on that you like him until you are absolutely sure that there's a chance with him. That could be awkward if you catch my drift –_

Doesn't sound right. I delete the last part and continue.

 _That could be awkward and cause more problems for you if your boyfriend found out. I think you need to think this through logically. If the friend likes you like that, then green light, but the real problem is what you do about your boyfriend. It seems to me that you like him a whole lot, but you just don't see him as relationship material. This is fine. You don't want to be with someone if you're not happy, but remember this isn't his fault, so you need to be …_

What's that word girls like? It doesn't come to me for a minute and then I remember.

… _sensitive to his feelings. Love can be a cold hard bitch sometimes, but it's worth it to find the right guy. Spend some quality time with your boyfriend. Reconnect with him and try to remember why you were going out with him in the first place. If you can't think of any good reasons to stay with him, other than this other guy, then maybe it's time to consider your future together. You don't want to make him miserable by staying with him, do you? So, think about your current relationship first, before making any other decisions._

 _I hope this helps._

 _Lavender X_

I send the message, hoping it's what Sakura would say. I had at least resisted the urge to tell her how it is. She should be happy with what she has. If it was me who was going out with her, I would rip that other guy to shreds! There. See if he could steal my girlfriend in a million pieces! Hah! I couldn't help chuckling and scrolled for another good one amongst the desperation. Nothing catches my eye; it's just more of the same boring junk. I want him back. How can I get him back? What can I do to get him back? Sheesh, I had no idea this school was so full of desperate and clingy people!

I manage to clean out a good amount of the inbox by the end of lunch, but the messages kept piling in. I couldn't keep up with them, but I could make it interesting and see if I could get the inbox to "0". So, I crack my knuckles again and tackle the remaining messages. I'm racing the clock! There's only eleven minutes left until the end of lunch and there's still nine messages to go! I have to forget about Sakura's standards if I'm gonna do this, and start typing one liners to get the box empty.

With twenty-seven seconds to go, the mail icon finally read "0". I can't help whooping in triumph and held the tablet up in victory. 'Thanks, Konoha! I'll be here all week!' Yeah! And that's how you do it!

'What?'

The triumph was short-lived. The mailbox was already piling up again. Three messages had arrived as I was celebrating, but I'm out of time. Lunch is over and I'm a long way from math. But, the triumphant feeling spurs me on to read the very first message on my way back to class.

 _Dear Lavender_

 _I though maybe you could help me with something. I've been watching a particular guy for a while, and I haven't seen him anyone and he hasn't mentioned anyone in particular, so I think he's single. I haven't actually spoken to him personally about it, I haven't actually spoken to him at all to be honest, but I'm sure he isn't seeing anyone. Wishful thinking? Perhaps. Now, to the problem: I have NEVER done this before –_

I can't help grinning.

Newbie.

Cool.

 _-NEVER done this before. Ever. I've just never found anyone who has interested me. But this guy definitely interests me, and I want to know what to do. I don't want to ask friends, because it would be too embarrassing. I've tried watching them to get some idea of how to approach someone, but I don't think I have the confidence to do it in person. I really REALLY like this person, but I'm scared that I'm going to miss my opportunity –_

I smack straight into Kiba. I'm outside the classroom. Autopilot. Cool.

'Hey!' Kiba gripes. 'You flat tired me, you jerk!'

'I didn't mean to.'

His nostrils flare.

SMACK!

STOMP!

'OWWWWWW!'

He just mega flat tired me! The stupid jerk! He swerves out of the way as I limp toward him.

'Now we're even, loser.' He notices the tablet and a glint flashes through his eyes. 'Nice colour, idiot. Do they sell your favourite panties where you got that?' He guffaws and looks around the gathering crowd. 'I mean, what the – '

I shove him and there's a chorus of 'ooooooohhhhhhh' from the crowd. Kiba straightens his jacket and eyes the tablet. He's gonna take it! Sakura would kill me! I spin quickly and shove it in my bag. Kiba tries to grab my bag, but I shove into him and knock him off balance.

'What are you boys doing? Get inside _now_ ,' she growls. Inside, she gestures to the front row. 'Sit. Your reward for unruly behaviour is front row seats to the lesson. Right there,' she says, indicating the two desks front and centre. 'Now be quiet.'

'Does it match your panties?' Kiba taunts as he sits down. I plonk in the seat next to him, watching Kiba eyeball my bag.

'Let's begin,' Professor Anko says, turning to the board. As soon as her back's turned –

Smash! Splank! CRASH!

'Aaaarrrgh!'

I'm pulled sideways out of my seat! I land on the floor, realising I had my bag strap caught around my leg. Kiba holds up the tablet. The other guys just watched, sniggering at the pink tablet. Some of them whispered, looked at me, then laughed.

'KIBA!' I jump up off the floor. 'Give it back!' I tackle him again as Anko turns from the board.

'RIGHT!' She storms over and scruffs us, pulling us apart. She grabs the tablet from Kiba and looks at me. 'Whose is this?'

'Mine,' I say. Everyone laughs. She hands it over and I shove it in my bag. 'Get to the principal's office. Both of you. NOW.'

'But miss – '

'Don't even start,' Anko growls at Kiba. She points to the door. 'Out!'

We trudge over to the office and are told to sit and wait until Tsunade was ready for us. The door opens, and we stand. She points at Kiba and ushers him inside. I sit back down. I woulda pounded the jerk if expulsion didn't exist. Believe it! What was his deal anyway? So, a guy carries around a pink shiny girly tablet? So? It doesn't affect his manliness. No, it does not. Not one bit.

I take out the tablet checking to see if it was intact. Sakura would kill me if there was even a scratch on it, but it's fine. The messages have reached "20". Who knows how long Tsunade would be ripping Kiba a new one for?

I keep reading that message from before.

… _scared I'm going to miss my opportunity to get to know him because I don't know how to talk to him. If you have any advice that you could give me on 1) how to approach him and 2) how to talk to him for the first time without being nervous, it would be greatly appreciated._

 _Thanks_

 _Bad._

Tsunade is inside the office screaming at Kiba. She likes to scream. Any excuse normally. The old bag had the wind to go with it and she was only warming up too. I start typing a reply to Bad.

 _Dear Bad_

 _You're just a bit shy is all and unfortunately that doesn't really change much on the first meeting. But, just remember, the guy is human, he's not gonna –_

I delete 'gonna'…

… _going to bite your head off if you go and say hi to him. That's your first goal. Work up the courage to say hi by saying it in a mirror first. Then, practice on as many people as you can before you get to your special guy, and then, just say it to him. Don't think about it, just do it and move on. Don't hang around and make it a big deal for yourself. You've said hi. Good. Then you can move on to the next goal. Don't put expectation on yourself. Take your time to build confidence, but don't take forever. I would hate for you to miss your chance._

 _I'm here to help_

 _Lavender X_

The door opens and Kiba storms past.

'Naruto?'

Oh shit. The sweet voice. Oh shit. She's on a role. I suck in some air as I head into the office.

Tsunade smiles. Kiba was the warm up. Say goodbye to everybody I know, because I don't think I'm getting out of this one alive.

'Close the door.'

I do and use the little chair for cover, but she makes me sit down. All of a sudden, the sweetness is gone, replaced by a crazy savage beast that yells at me for the next ten minutes. I dunno what she's saying, but my eardrums are bleeding by the time I get out of there. I head back to class, and hope my hearing comes back soon.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

So, to maintain my sweet life of latest games and gadgets, I work part time at a comic book store on the other side of town. Hey, what can I say? I love me a good read, and it pays enough to leave me rolling in my fave RPs for the month. How could I not be happy with that, right?

Problem is, I'm almost late every day coz it takes a good half hour to get there from school. Today, it took forty minutes because I had to stay back and help with the scrub down of the school cafeteria. When I saw Kiba next, he was gonna get a load of me! Why didn't he have to stay back, huh? It wasn't fair. I'm late, and he gets off without detention! Where's the justice in the world? Huh?

So, I'm pedalling over to work, smoke coming off the tires with the speed I'm going, racing the clock as usual, and then –

BAM!

CRACK!

A bin comes out of nowhere! My life flashes before my eyes as I fly over the handle bars. I end up on my butt, but I'm pretty sure I'm not hurt. A few guys stop and ask if I'm good, which of course I am, but don't have time to hang around chatting. I grab my bike and pedal outta there.

I'm still across the road! I'm not gonna make it! I can see the neon yellow sign of the store, so close but oh so far away! I've kinda messed up my knee and pedalling kinda hurts. My manager, a crazy old guy with crazy white hair and a thing for weird clothes, leans on the counter as I head inside.

'Late again, Naruto,' he says and looks up to the weird cat clock on the wall behind the counter.

Seven minutes. I'm seven minutes late.

'Cut me a break, will ya, I had to stay back okay. I can't help it.'

He scoffs. 'They just gave you detention for no reason, huh?'

I feel my cheeks get hot. 'Well … no. But it wasn't my fault okay! This guy was –'

'I don't want to know,' Jiraiya says. 'Just tidy the vintage rack and get the new arrivals tagged and bagged. I have to step out for an hour soon, so you'll have to receive the four-day stock and process the transfers. I want the decades done by the time I get back too. You were supposed to do it yesterday.' He hands me the keys and grabs his weird red coat. 'We have to merchandise the four-day before tomorrow, so get everything else done first. Can you handle that?'

'Sure,' I say. Of course, who does he think he's talking to? 'I'll get it done. Leave it to me.'

'I'll be back in an hour,' he says, heading for the door. 'I'll know if you slack off while I'm gone.'

Ah, so that's his game. The list is to keep me busy, huh? Yeah, well, I'll show him. I'll have this place in order in an hour. No in half an hour. Yeah! Believe it.

He's out the door and I turn to the racks. They're all messed up. Comics in the wrong place, all out of order, sideways, upside down and round and round. I have exactly twelve minutes before the after-school rush. Maybe I should just leave the racks until the hoard of kids is gone? But, Jiraiya likes his place looking presentable for his star customers. So, I have to get them done before the kids get here.

It's three-forty. So, three minutes a rack oughtta do it. The Vintages are the worst. There's even some missing, which I find hanging out with the Nineties. Yeah, I push the annoyance to the back of my mind and crack on with the job.

The door tinkles and I look up at the clock. Almost done, but the wave of kids has already started.

'Yeah, hey, you got the latest Minecraft graphic?'

I point to new arrivals. 'Over there.'

The kid doesn't even say thanks or anything. I can't help but roll my eyes. The door tinkles again, and suddenly the shop is full of kids around my age or younger with the odd smattering of older guys and chicks on the hunt for their favourite reads.

I'm run off my feet but keep checking the clock.

Racks. Done.

New Arrivals. Tagged and bagged.

Decades. All in order.

I pull the transfer list up on the computer and check the outgoing items. There's only fifty-one of them today. A lot less than there usually is, which works out well for me, coz I have so much to do.

The customers have died down a bit. Once they've spent their money, the kids usually head off to find food, so it was usually a bit more quiet between four and five. I'm rushing round the store, tossing the last couple of items into the trolley when the delivery gets here. It's not our usual delivery dude, so I have to literally show him the stock room and help him with the itinerary.

I wave him off and head back to the racks. I don't have time to tidy the whole lot again in five minutes, but I can at least look like I'm putting in an effort by the time Jiraiya comes back. So, I do it all over again, organising and straightening the racks. I've got the vintage and decades done by the time the door tinkles and Jiraiya bounces back in, hauling a huge carton.

He plonks it on the counter and blows out a breath. 'How'd it go?' he asks.

'Yeah, same as usual,' I say. 'The international's selling at the moment. Made a ton on those so far today.'

Jiraiya nods, but he's inspecting the carton. He gets out his favourite box cutter and opens the box.

'Did the delivery get here?'

'It's all out the back. Some new guy brought it.'

Jiraiya nods again and pulls a comic out of the box, holding it like it was made of jelly or something. He turns it over and reads the back. I don't bother talking to him when he gets a load of his favourite goodies, he doesn't hear a word I say anyway, so I went back to the racks and finished straightening them out.

'Naruto!'

I turn to the voice calling me. Chouji waves and grins at me. 'You got it right?'

Chouji wanted a special edition Justice League with Batman in it. 'Ordered it yesterday. Give it about a week to get here.'

Chouji's grin faded. 'Aw man, a week?'

'Could be longer, but I had it expressed down.'

'Well, tell me when it gets here. I'll pick it up as soon as it's ready.'

'Sure thing. There's comics a-plenty here for you to read while you're waiting you know.' I pick up one of the batman comics in the vintage collection and hand it over to him.

'Read it,' Chouji said, barely looking at it.

The door tinkles and Neji comes in.

'What're you doing here?' He's definitely not here to look at the comics. 'Thought you wouldn't be caught dead in here, huh?'

He glances at me and turns to Chouji. 'Are you done?'

Chouji turns a page on a new arrival. 'Give me a minute.'

Neji huffs and rolls his eyes. 'We're waiting.'

Chouji flicks through the rest of the comic and hands it back. 'Got any others?'

'Yeah.' I check out the new arrivals and find a couple like the one he was looking at. Neji taps his foot over at the counter. What's his deal, anyway?

'Yo, Neji, what gives?'

'Nothing that concerns you,' he says in his usual superior tone. 'Chouji –'

'Okay, okay,' Chouji says as he quickly slaps two comics into my hand. 'These.' He tosses some cash and follows Neji out the door.

He's given me way too much! Like, way _way_ too much. I'm talking double Franklins here! I head over to the door to chase Chouji down –

'Naruto, you're still on the clock,' Jiraiya calls from the stock room. 'Quit chatting up that kid and help me with this already.'

Obviously, he's finished playing with his secret box of goodies, but I gotta catch Chouji before it's too late. I quickly open the door –

'NARUTO!'

I flinch as Jiraiya's voice booms out from the back. I'll have to grab Chouji later. I'll swing by his place after I finish. I head out the back and find Jiraiya knee deep in piles of new comic books.

'Did you clear out the first four shelves?'

I knew I'd forgotten something. Jiraiya rolls his eyes. 'Put the eighties and nineties with the late fifties and move the new arrivals to the front display. I'll get these scanned. Sit tight, we're gonna be here for a while.'

The next few hours were spent sorting out the four-day sale. Between the next wave of customers, and setting up the racks properly, and Jiraiya ripping on me constantly about efficiency, I was beat by the time six thirty rolled around.

Jiraiya stays behind to finish up and I get outta there. I pedal over to Chouji's place as quick as I can. There's loud music and laughter and stuff coming from inside. Sounds like they're having a party or something. I bang on the door for ages, but no one answers. My face is numb from the freezing air, and I'm slapping some feeling back into my cheeks as Neji opens the door.

'What do you want?' he says like I'm a poop on his shoe.

'Is Chouji here?'

Another bunch of laughter comes from inside. Neji looks over his shoulder. 'I'm sure this can wait. Come back tomorrow.' And he goes to close the door.

'Wait!'

He pauses. 'What?'

'He paid me too much. I just wanna give him his change, you know.'

'I'll give it to him.' He holds out his hand.

Yeah? Well, not happening. 'Just get him okay.'

He stares at me for a minute. 'Good night, Naruto,' he says and closes the door in my face. I bang on it again, but this time nobody comes to open it. Neji! The prick! What was his problem huh? Seriously, he's never liked me. He's just a sour prick with a stick shoved up his –

'Oh, hey Naruto,' Chouji says. 'I thought I heard knocking.' He shivers. 'It's freezing out here. Get in here.'

I step inside and he closes the door.

'Sounds like you're busy,' I grumble. I still can't believe Neji did that.

'Yeah, Neji's cousin's in town,' he says above the music. 'We're just having dinner and catching up. We haven't seen him for ages.'

Oh. So that's what's up, huh? Neji didn't want me to meet his cousin. Yeah? Well, I don't care. I don't like him or his stupid cousin either. Believe it.

'Are you coming in?' Chouji looks at me expectantly. 'We have pizza.'

I hold out the cash to him. 'Here's your change. I should get going.'

Chouji checks out the cash, and finally takes it. He shoves it in his pocket. 'You can stay if you want.'

Neji might have something to say about that, and besides I had to get onto the messages or I would be old and wrinkly by the time I got through them. 'Better not. Neji was – '

'Forget Neji. I'm inviting you. I need somebody on my side anyway, I don't understand them sometimes. You can translate for me,' his huge cheesy grin blinds me.

I had to get through the messages, but … one slice of pizza couldn't hurt right?

Okay. One slice, and then I'm outta here.

'Cool,' I say. Chouji slaps me on the back and leads the way. The music gets louder as we head toward the kitchen. There's a few balloons and banners hanging around and the counter is covered in pizza boxes, bowls of chips and bottles of pop.

Neji's there. And some other guy I've never seen before. I can kinda see the family resemblance, but this guy has dark hair. He drinks grape soda out of a glass, and there's an untouched slice of pizza on a red plate in front of him.

Chouji presents the guy. 'Naruto, Sasuke. Sasuke, Naruto.'

'How you doing?' I say.

'Hi,' he says shortly. Now I can really see the family resemblance. This guy's even more arrogant than Neji! I instantly don't like him. Anybody who can rival Neji in the superiority department ain't worth my time.

'I found it.' Hinata rushes into the kitchen, carrying a small black box. She freezes when she sees me. I don't know why she does that. She's gone all pink and shiny and her eyes dart quickly from Neji to Chouji, to the guy and back to me. She looks down, won't look me in the eye.

'Oh, h-hi … Naruto,' she says all quiet. Neji takes the black box from her and takes it back to the guy.

'Hey, Hinata. I'm just gonna grab a slice and then get outta here, you know. Chouji said I could, so … Are you okay?' She looks like she's gonna faint or something! I pour some soda and hand it to her. She takes it from me and takes a huge gulp.

'Thanks,' she whispers.

They're all looking at me. Well, except for Hinata, who plonks on a stool next to that other guy. He's giving me a copy of Neji's signature glare, and Chouji is grinning.

'Grab a slice, man,' Chouji says. 'There's plenty to go around.'

'I'm sure Naruto's busy,' Neji says and stares at me. He looks kinda crazy, actually. 'I'm sure he has a lot to do.'

I can take the hint. The guy smirks at me as Neji stares daggers through my head. I grab a slice of pizza, I think it's chicken. 'Yeah. I have loads to do,' I say and take a bite. 'I'll get going.'

'Hey, but I thought –'

'I'm good,' I say, cutting Chouji off. 'I'll let myself out.' That dude keeps smirking at me as I leave the kitchen. I'm heading down the hall as laughter bursts from the kitchen again. I don't care. I can keep myself company. I know when I'm not wanted.

I'm freezing my butt off as I pull up to my place. I hustle inside and crank the heat as high as it will go. Anyway, it will give me a chance to handle all the messages for Sakura's column. I nuke some ramen and head into the lounge. After I woof the noodles, I take out the tablet and check out some of the messages. Turns out, Sakura forgot to mention something about the column. It seems to have slipped her mind to tell me about the 'reply' folder.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

The icon says '129' new messages, but another icon has appeared, and it says '204'. I click on the '204' and the folder opens. Turns out, when I give out advice, they can ask for more – the ongoing cases I guess. I read a couple of the messages and reply. Half of them must have been replying to whatever Sakura was telling them, because I didn't know what they were going on about, but I replied to them anyway. Things like 'good job, keep it up'. And 'let me know how it goes'.

I recognise some of the new ones and put a little bit more effort into those replies, and also say sorry to the ones that didn't work out the way they wanted. My heart pumps, Sakura didn't like it when her cases didn't work out, I know this because she hit me that time I made a joke about it. I'm just gonna delete those messages, so she doesn't find out. Yeah, that's the best thing. She won't find out, and then she won't kill me.

I reply to a few more, and then get on to the new messages. It was funny at first, but not so much now. I don't know what else I can tell these guys. If the guy dumps you, there's probably a reason for it. Like, he doesn't like you? Why is that so hard to understand? But, I press on, typing out strategies for them to get the guy back, and how to keep him around just a little bit longer. And on the flip side, I'm giving out advice on how to dump their boyfriend or girlfriend in the nicest way they can.

A sigh comes out, I can't help it. Maybe the ones that want to dump their boy should get with the ones who want to stay? I don't know. Maybe Sakura should start an online dating site or something. You know, where lonely singles can meet each other and go out and live happily ever after? I laugh, I can't help it, that would create more work for her, but she could handle it. Sure, she could.

By ten o'clock I'm beat. I've cleared out the new messages and replied to all the replies I can. I'm literally about to log off, but another reply appears. I'm so gonna log off. It can wait until tomorrow after school. It so can. I'm logging off. Yeah, I am…

I click on the icon and the message opens. It's from that newbie.

 _Dear Lavender_

 _Thank you for the advice. I won't go into details, but ultimately it worked. I managed to say hi to him without dying of nerves, but I'm disappointed by his reaction. It was strange, he actually said hi first and I said it back, but then he closed up and left shortly after. Maybe I'm imagining it? I've already told you I haven't had much experience in this sort of thing, so I don't know if his reaction was normal or not. The problem is, having seen him again now, I like him even more, but his reaction is a bit discouraging. He doesn't know me yet so why did he act like that? What should I do? Should I give up now and save myself the embarrassment of him rejecting me, or do I try again?_

 _Thank you again for the advice_

 _Bad._

Wow, this poor chick didn't know what she was in for. A guy knows what he wants right from the start. If the dude liked her, then he wouldn't haven't acted like that. If he didn't hang around, then he really wasn't that interested in her, and he kinda already told her that. Sure, he didn't have to be so rude about it, but basically, she doesn't stand a chance with him.

But … she was new to this, so I kinda wanted her to sort of get a bit further with it than just saying hi to him. It's just … Sakura just said I had to give out the advice, she didn't say I had to care about it. And I don't. I just like a good challenge. It could have been anything, but I'm committed now. I'll get that guy to like the newbie. I have about three days to get them on a date before Sakura gets back. Challenge accepted!

But what can I say? I'll avoid the awkward truth for now and help her out with a few other tricks. If the guy acts the same way, then I'll let her know that it's probably best to move on. Yeah, I'm kinda rooting for her, you know. She obviously really likes him, otherwise she wouldn't ask for more advice, right? I have to appreciate her determination. It's not like she's ignoring the truth, she noticed how the dude reacted, it's just she doesn't want to give up either. So, I formulate my reply in my head, and after a few false starts get on a role with it.

 _Good for you, Bad! I'm glad you found the courage to say hi to your special guy. His reaction was a bit strange, but there's always hope._

I delete that last part. Dammit. I don't want to give her false hope.

 _His reaction was strange but don't give up yet. It was only the first time you spoke to him, right? Guys are confusing creatures. He could have been busy, he could have been tired, or he could have been hungry. Any of that could explain why he reacted the way he did. So, I think you should try talking to him again. Now that you've got the first meeting out of the way, just bump into him somewhere and say hi again. Try asking him a question. That's the easiest way to start a conversation. Guys love food so anything food related will at least get a response. Gauge his reaction, if he's friendlier than the first time, then you can be sure that he had something else on his mind, if he reacts the same, then it might be time –_

DELETE. DELETE. DELETE!

… _if he's friendlier, then you can be sure that he had something else on his mind. I'd leave it there for now, don't spend too much time with him at first. Just gradually build up the time you spend with him and each time ask a few more questions. Try and find out some things he likes too, guys love talking about themselves. If you give him a chance to talk about things he likes, then he'll be happy to talk to you._

 _GOODLUCK!_

 _Lavender x_

I send the message and close the column. A huge yawn comes out and I head upstairs. I still can't believe there's so many clueless kids at our school. The only thing keeping me going is that Sakura will be back in a couple of days and I won't have to deal with it anymore. Yeah, she'll be back, she can deal with them. Not my problem. Not at all. When she comes back, all those poor lonely and lovesick chicks will be her problem again. I'll be free and in date city! Job done! Goodnight!

A couple of hours later, or at least it feels like a couple of hours, I was dreaming so I must have been asleep for a while – anyway … something wakes me up. It's the middle of the night and the urge to punch whatever is making the noise is totally taking over my whole body. I want to punch it! Whatever it is … doesn't it know a guy needs his beauty rest? I need to sleep, and it's annoying, so I hunt for the sound. Not my phone, not the lamp, not the calendar … I check for the –

THERE!

Some dim blue light blinks slowly from under the bed. I balance over the side and grab the thing, ready to kill it, but it's Sakura's tablet and she'll kill _me_ if anything happened to it. The needy chicks and their stupid problems. I turn the whole tablet off and leave it on the floor. Yep, glad I spent precious sleeping time for that. So worth it. I snuggle down into the covers again and pull the pillow over my head. I was dreaming about flying, and I love flying. Maybe I'll take my revenge by giving them really bad advice. Yeah, tell them to dance naked across the cafeteria to declare their love or something. I laugh at the image. And then I'll know who was desperate enough to message me in the middle of the night and the shaming pics will be epic!

I wake up after another couple of hours, but at least it's light this time. I'm starving, but I ran out of the pork ramen last night. Chicken will just have to do. I don't usually eat chicken in the morning, but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do.

I'm scarfing the noodles, and suddenly I remember the challenge. And the tablet. And the beeping. I rush upstairs and bring the tablet back down. There were way too many messages! Over two hundred! Where did all these people come from, huh? Are there even that many kids at school? I have an hour before school, but it's not enough time to get through all the messages. I can't keep giving out one liners, coz Sakura won't go out with me if I do. What I need to do is focus on a couple, and then deal with the rest later.

Some chick wants to know what outfit to wear on a first date. I tell her something pretty, but don't over do it. Keep a little mystery now, and you'll still have some points up your sleeve for later.

Some other girl wants to know if it's okay to date two guys at once. Fine. But it could get awkward. And expensive. One date is enough, but taking two out at the same time? I'm laughing as I delete it and type something proper. Yes, but you'll have to choose between them eventually. Yadda yadda yadda.

Who should I take to the mid term dance? I laugh at that and can't think of a good response that would keep Sakura happy, so I move on to the next one.

I keep it up for a good twenty minutes, randomly picking messages out of the pile. I go through another three and then move onto the reply folder. Since there's only seven messages, I should be able to get through them before I have to go.

I read through a couple and reply. There's one from the newbie, but I'll save that for last since they are my real challenge. I type a reply for the sixth message and finally get to Bad. I click on the message with curiosity. There's no way she would have had time to put my plan into action last night. If she did, she should probably squish her stalker instincts. Could be seen as a total turn off.

 _Dear Lavender_

 _I was hoping you would say I should keep trying. You are right; now that I have actually spoken to him I should be able to again. I was just wondering what you mean by 'guys love food'? Should I find out what his favourite food is and then drop it into the conversation? Or should I ask him what his favourite food is and let him talk about it? Wouldn't he be more focussed on talking about food than on me? I'll see how it goes at lunch tomorrow (a perfect opportunity to talk about food). I hope you can clear this up before then._

 _Thank you_

 _Bad._

Easy. Just mention food and it should get him going. I know it would get me going. So, I start typing.

 _Hi Bad_

 _If you're going to see him at lunch then you probably won't have time to find out what his favourite food is first, but that's something to do for next time. When you see him, if he's eating, just comment that you like that same food too. It's simple and …._

'What's that word …' I can't think of it. It's like Sakura, all cool and smooth and smart. 'Dammit.' It's nearly time to go and I'm not dressed yet. I don't have time to think of the word anyway, so I come up with the next best thing.

… _and smooth. See if he smiles, or has any sort of positive reaction, and then move on, because remember, you don't want to make a big deal out of it at this stage._

 _I hope this helps._

 _Lavender X_

Yeah. That oughta do it. I log out and get ready. I'm out the door in ten minutes. Not a record, but I couldn't find my orange socks and I don't go to school without them. Ever. No. Won't happen.

 **AN: Glad you're all enjoying it ^-^ Stay tuned for the next chapter where things start getting a little more interesting ...**


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

'You can't defeat _me_! I'm Captain Forearm, King of the Universe, defender of the weak and tiny! I am _your_ vanquisher!'

BAM!

SLAP!

SMACK!

CRIIIICK!

And Captain Forearm pulls a mega punch of death on the Raider Beast! Cue cheers of triumph from the crowd as the Beast slams into the ground! Dust billows from its lifeless form. Captain Forearm dramatically steps on the Beast's side and raises his arms in victory!

YEAH! Go Captain Forearm! The hero the universe has been waiting for!

'Naruto?'

My reactions take over as I whip the comic book under my notepad, but it falls off the desk and flaps onto the floor. Professor Gai picks it up, and flips through it.

'Ah yes,' he says, hugging the comic to his chest. 'This was a good one. But, this content makes up thirty percent of your final grade, so I think Captain Forearm can wait until after school.'

There's sniggers from around the room and my cheeks go hot. Professor Gai puts my comic in a drawer and continues his boring speech about relativism. I'm dying right now! I don't think I can handle the next … I look up at the clock … three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

'Naruto, what is the difference between perception and acuity?'

UGH!

My heart starts pumping. I don't know! 'Something to do with …' I try to think of something that sounds smart, but can only think of – 'Smartness?'

Another snigger wave.

The bell rings and I jump out of my seat. I'm almost at the door. Almost …

'Naruto?'

I go over to Professor Gai.

'I remember what youth feels like. I remember having the concentration issues and the boredom and the zest for life outside of school. I was a lot like you in the beginning, but I applied myself and look where I am now. Leading students on their ultimate path of discovery. Journeying through life's great mystery together …'

I tune him out and sort of stare at the clock. My stomach grumbles and I wish he would finish soon so I can go get some food.

'… the consequences of failure …'

It's now twelve thirty-three. My stomach's not used to starvation. I wonder if mac and cheese made a comeback? Yeah, I want some. And some nuggets. Noodle salad.

Gai hands me back the comic book. 'Just think about it, okay.'

'Sure,' I say and take my comic, rushing out of the room to the cafeteria. I hate philosophy! I can't help it. It's so boring. Like, mind-numbing boring, I just can't get the info to stick. When Gai starts going on about that ethics and life hoo-ha my brain shuts off. That's how boring it is.

I grab a tray and follow the line, checking out the selection. Can't see any mac and cheese … but the tuna bake looks good. It's all cheesy and melty. I start drooling a bit. Yeah, that looks good. I'll have some of that. And chocolate milk to wash it down. And some fries on the side. Yeah.

I get to the front and look up at the –

A snort comes out!

'Kiba!?' He's got on one those aprons and is wearing one of those stupid net hats. He's gripping his serving spoon real tight. 'You're a lunch lady!' I can't hold in the laugh. HAH! Karma! Yeah!

'Shut it, jerk.'

I feel around in my pockets for my phone with one hand, got the tray in the other. 'Just hold still so I can get a pic, okay.' I try accessing the camera. Kiba grips his spoon harder.

'Take it, and I'll make sure your life ain't worth living. Got me?' His face is twitching and he's all red. It's perfect. So perfect!

I'm trying to take the pic, but I can't do it with the tray.

'Here, hold this,' I say to the guy behind me. I just shove the tray at him. Can't miss this chance. Gotta take the pic and make Kiba regret ever messing with me. I snap it and check. It's blurry and rushed, so I try again.

He holds the spoon up in front of his face and the laughter just bursts out of me. I didn't think this could get any better! I snap the pic and put my phone away. I have plans for that. Oh yeah, Kiba will pay so good for making fun of me.

I take the tray back from the guy and eye up the bake. 'Give me that,' I point to the bake. 'And milk. Oh, and fries.'

Kiba snatches the tray and slaps my selections onto it. He holds it out and I go to grab it back from him …

He smirks.

His face doesn't change as the drool string slips from his lips and lands in the bake.

WHAT?

'Well? Don't you want your lunch?' He's still smirking.

He just … HE –

'Hey,' the guy behind me shouts. 'I saw that.'

'Saw what?' Kiba challenges.

Uh oh. Dude … no …

It's that guy … erm … Neji's cousin … Erm … I can't remember his name … Chouji told me … I know he did. But … Ugh … Nope. It's not coming to me.

He takes the tray from me and pushes me out of the way. 'Where I'm from, you could be expelled for something like that. But I guess around here, in this backward excuse for a town, this is acceptable behaviour?' Neji's cousin shakes his head, all disgusted.

'Yeah? Well, I don't know what you're talking about,' Kiba said. 'If he doesn't want it. He doesn't want it.'

'So, you don't see a problem with what you just did?'

Kiba squares to the guy, leans right up over the counter. 'Oh, I see a problem. I don't know who you are, but this is my school. You'll learn that soon enough.'

The guy rolls his eyes. 'That's not what I asked you,' he said like he was talking to a two-year-old kid. 'I asked you if you saw a problem with what you just did? If I were him, I would have thrown the tray back in your face.'

He lifts the tray higher. The gathered kids go quiet. I'm on the edge of my seat here! What's he gonna do? And why is he getting up in my business anyway? I can handle Kiba. I woulda thrown it back in his face. If I'd got the chance. But dude took the tray before I could do anything.

Kiba bunches his fists. The smirk comes back.

'What you gonna do, new kid? Huh?'

Now the guy's staring straight at Kiba. 'You're right. I'm new. So, I'm still learning how things work around here. But, you've taught me something already.'

'Yeah and what's that?'

The guy doesn't back down, doesn't even budge when Kiba gives him his scariest threatening face. The guy makes sure Kiba's watching real close as he …

An impressed, but tense 'oooohhhhh' goes around the kids.

The guy's drool glistens on top of the tuna bake. He presents the tray to Kiba. ' _Bon Appetite_.'

Kiba's shaking his head slowly, disbelief all over his face. Man, this guy is good. I wouldn't have thought to throw Kiba's crap right back in his face. Dude's either a genius or slightly off the handle. Maybe both? Kiba's eyes flick to the dude and then he straightens up and scoffs.

'Yeah right,' he says, smirking away. 'Get outta my face man, or you're gonna have trouble around here.'

'What makes you think I'm joking?'

Kiba barks out a laugh. 'Let me say it real slow. Get. Out. Of. My. _Face_.'

'Or what?'

Kiba whips back around and practically lunges at the guy. He backhands the tray out of the guy's hand. Tuna bake splats everywhere, and my fries skitter across the tiles. Kiba grabs the dude's collar.

'Not too bright, are you? Don't know when to quit, huh?'

The guy smirks and somehow – not sure what happened coz he's too quick – I can't see what's going on! I'm pushing guys outta the way to get a better view, pushing real hard so I can see over the counter. Finally, I can see what's going on.

Kiba's on the floor, face squished into the tiles. Neji's cousin is all up on his back, pushing Kiba's arm up into a very unnatural position. Kiba groans and mumbles something. Dude leans down over him and talks in his ear but makes sure we can all hear too.

'You're right. You don't know me, so I suggest you be careful, or next time,' he sorta pushes the arm up further to clinch his point, 'I'll break it.'

He pushes away from Kiba who whips up instantly, rubbing his arm. He's all red and shiny and you can tell he wants to go after the dude who casually hops over the counter.

There's stunned silence around the place and then –

WHOOOOO!

YEAH!

Nice going, new guy!

There's a lotta clapping and cheering as the guy slaps some tuna bake and fries into a tray and hands it to me.

'Uh … you forgot the milk.' What the hell? That's the stupidest thing I coulda said. Seriously. What a dumb thing to say. But, he grabs a milk from the fridge and holds it out to me. I take it as the clapping and junk dies down. I never get clapping when I stand up to Kiba. All I get is detention. And thinking on that, I'll have to clean up the guy's mess later. Nice. Just great.

'Hey, I can fight my own battles, you know. I don't need anybody to save me.'

He just shrugs.

'I can handle Kiba.' I've been doing it for years, and this guy just steps in all cool and stuff and steals my limelight. I'm not jealous of his coolness. Really, I'm not. I just don't want to have to clean up after him. He didn't need to make that mess. Believe it. 'He's a jerk, but you know … I can handle him.'

He rolls his eyes and just walks away.

'Hey,' I call after him. I gotta say it.

He turns back and stares at me expectantly.

'Just … thanks … I guess. Even if I have to clean up the mess later.'

He stares at me for a second. Seriously, what is with this guy? He's kinda creepy if you ask me. And seems to have a personality disorder. What, his coolness only comes out when he sees a jerk? He glances at my tray.

'Did I give you enough fries?'

Uh … 'Yes?' I love me a good pile of fries, but what the hell does that have to do with anything, huh?

He just turns away again. I wanna follow, coz I'm curious about his weird personality thing, but he heads over to Neji and Chouji, sitting in the corner, and I'm not talking to Neji. I don't even want to see his face right now. Leaving me out in the cold like that the other night. Prick. I don't want to hang out with him, and all he'll do is hint that I shouldn't be in his breathing space anyway.

Chouji slaps the dude on the shoulder and Neji glances over at me, then he's talking to his cousin and Chouji's patting the chair next to him and there's too much noise in the cafeteria and everybody's staring at me and nodding at the guy and gathering around the table where he and Neji and Chouji are. And I dunno where Kiba went. He's not behind the counter … he's probably gone off to whine to a teacher or something.

Better get out before the teachers arrive. I don't need anymore detention. I'm at the entrance and head out into the hall, but I see Kiba coming with Professor Anko. I quickly pull back into the cafeteria. The dude's gonna get in trouble! And, yeah okay, I don't need anybody fighting my battles for me, but he did stand up to Kiba, and he did kinda save me. He didn't have to, and … and …

I rush over to the table and push my way through the kids.

'Hey,' I say to him. 'Heads up. Kiba's got Anko in tow. You should get outta here before they get here.'

Everybody's looking at me. Neji stares at me like how dare I come anywhere near him, but this has nothing to do with him, so I ignore him.

'Did you hear me?'

Dude is just talking away to Neji.

'Hello?'

Chouji nudges him in the arm and nods in my direction. He turns to me and sort of half smiles, I guess. It kinda looks like a grimace slash smirk. 'Thank you for the warning,' he says and turns back to Neji.

That's it? Seriously?

I look over my shoulder to see Kiba and Anko heading over. Nope. I'm gone. I've only got a couple of days of detention left, and I'm not getting caught again. I slip away from the table and bust it over to the bathroom before Kiba and Anko make it to the table.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: I'm loving the feedback guys and am glad you're still enjoying it!**

 **Re Neji: it's okay, you can like him, he's just a bit jealous. Someone already figured that out, so I'm not going to deny it ;D**

 **That's all for now ^_^**

 **Enjoy the next chapter!**

CHAPTER 6

I make it to the bathroom and peek out the door. Kiba and Anko go up to the table, but I can't really see what's going on. Anko has her back to me, blocking half of the guy from view. She has her hands on her hips, and Kiba's smirking and that guy is shaking his head.

The crowd around the table moves off. Anko must have told them to get outta there. I don't know, I can't really hear them, but I want to know what's going on! I should go out there, but she'll hit me with more detention and I'm almost free. Best to stay where I am then. Free and out of trouble.

For now.

Anko points over to the counter where it all went down a minute ago. The guy's eyes follow her finger. He shrugs and Kiba says something. He's all angry. Anko says something. Probably tells Kiba to shut up or something because he closes his mouth and crosses his arms.

The guy's speaking now, but I can't hear what he's saying. I lean out of the door a bit, trying to catch the words, but I can't. It's so annoying!

Anko gestures all angry, and the guy nods and that's it. Anko storms off and I pull my head back into the bathroom, so she doesn't spot me. I wait a minute, check that the coast is clear, and head out the door. Kiba's gone. The guy is still at the table with Chouji and Neji.

I rush as quick as I can and make it down to the river without running into anybody. Okay, yeah it was cool that the guy saved me like that, but I didn't ask him to. Seriously. If he got in trouble back there, it's his own fault, coz I had nothing to do with it.

Still, it was cool of him I guess. Not many people would have done what he did to stick up for me like that. Yeah. They'd probably just turn their back and let Kiba be a jerk. They're scared of him, you know. I'm not, and I try to keep him in check, but sometimes, like today, his full jerkiness comes out and he catches me off guard.

I woulda dealt with it, if Neji's cousin hadn't stepped in. I coulda come up with something to get him off my back. Some cool plan to deal with the prick, but I didn't get the chance. Ah well, what can I do about it now? Other than losing face in front of half the school, I can't really complain about it. It's just, that guy doesn't know Kiba like I do. Kiba's gonna want revenge for the guy embarrassing him like that. And it ain't gonna be that guy who's gonna have to deal with it.

Guess who will deal with it? Yup. That's right. Me.

I don't know what Kiba's gonna do for his revenge, but all I can say, from past experience, it's not gonna be good. I'll have to watch myself, because Kiba's a nasty little bastard when he wants to be, and he can strike at any time. Zero warning.

I use the column as a distraction. I can't think about what happened, or what's going to happen when I see Kiba next. So, I take out the tablet and scroll through the messages. I reply to some of them, but there's nothing that really jumps out at me. I'm really only looking for a message from Bad. I wonder if she got to talk to the guy today? I bet it wasn't in the cafeteria though, coz everybody was a bit distracted in there.

I head to class and spend the afternoon thinking up ways of dealing with anything Kiba throws at me next time I see him. I come up with all sorts of brilliant stuff. Booby traps, uber sling shots, camouflage and stakeouts. I'll get him first. Believe it. He's not gonna get the best of me. I'll have to tail him to keep an eye on him.

The bell goes, and I jump from the sound. It's already time to go. I'd literally daydreamed through my afternoon classes! Not good. I'll have to borrow somebody's notes or something to catch up. It's probably not that important, but better safe than sorry.

I head over to the cafeteria and slip into the stupid apron thing and grab my gloves. Just one day left of this and I'm done and free. The old crone hands me a list and I look over my duties for the next hour.

Clean the fryer?

'Hey, how do I clean it?'

The old crone mashes her lips together, like how dare I talk to her. 'Drain the oil, clean the filters, clean it top to bottom and fill it back up. With oil,' she adds, like I'm stupid.

'Argh! How am I meant to remember that, huh?'

'Write it down.'

We stare at each other for a second. I think she's serious.

'Got a pen?'

She hands me a gnarly pencil outta nowhere. I scribble down the instructions as she tells me them again.

'When you're done with that, mop the floors, put the trays away, scrub the counters and organise the store cupboard.'

'It's gonna take forever!' What did she think this is? Huh? I got places to be!

'Good thing you have help then. Between the two of you, I'm sure you can get it done.'

Help? 'Who?' Not Kiba. It's my worst nightmare!

'Hello?' Somebody calls.

'In here,' the crone yells back.

Neji's cousin comes in. So, he got in trouble after all. It just makes me want to pummel Kiba even more. He's such a tattling jerk. But, at least I might actually get to work on time today. Yeah. Positives.

'Lock the door when you're done,' the old crone says and leaves. I turn to the guy who's looking around the place, totally disinterested.

'Ehh, so Anko hit you with detention, huh? Tough break.'

The guy shrugs. 'It's fine.' He's doing that thing. I don't get it. He won't look at me but grabs the list out of my hand. 'So, what's first?'

'We gotta clean the fryer.' I flap my scribbled instructions in his face. He kinda screws up his nose and steps away. 'Hey …' still can't remember his name. 'Where you going, huh?'

'To get a bucket.'

Cool. Yeah. Good.

'For …'

'The oil.'

Ah. Good thinking.

He comes back with two giant slaw buckets. I grab one off of him and head over to the fryer. It's got a couple of vats and I don't think the bucket will fit, but I gotta try anyway. So, I go to scoop the oil out –

Dude laughs.

Dude …

 _LAUGHS._

'What's so funny?'

He's smirking at me as he takes the bucket and stoops down at the front. There's a small black cap down there. I lean over his shoulder as he unscrews it and puts the bucket under the hole as the oils starts to pour out.

Yeah. My cheeks go hot. So? The old crone didn't say there was a valve, did she! Huh? No. How was I supposed to know? Huh?

'Hey, you've done this before,' I say, trying to keep it light as I try to get over the embarrassment.

'A few times.'

The oil slowly drains into the bucket, there's gotta be at least five gallons coming out.

'I thought you'd know how to use one since you like fries so much.'

'Nope. I eat fries. Tuesdays and Thursdays. I don't cook 'em.'

He sorta snorts and stoppers the valve. The bucket's full so he slides the other one under the hole and lets the oil continue into the other bucket.

'Which do you like more, fries or pizza?'

Hmm. Tough one. I like both, but nothing beats ramen. But between the two, 'Fries. Yeah. They go with everything.'

He nods, watching the oil drain into the bucket. 'The perfect accompaniment.' He turns off the valve again as the bucket fills to the brim. There's still oil in the fryer. 'We're going to need another one.'

'How about I get it?' I head off to grab one, but he's not there when I get back! He's just disappeared. Great. Fantastic. He ditched me here to scrub down –

He comes out of the storeroom, tying an apron around his waist. I shove the bucket at him and he empties the last of the oil.

'So, pizza is only your second choice? I think I prefer it. There's so many combinations and I like trying different flavours.'

'I guess.' He's kinda making me hungry with all this talk about food. I could actually go for some curry and cutlet right now. Yeah, that would set me up for work tonight. Now, I'm kinda drooling thinking about curry. Stupid guy. I'm real hungry now!

'Fries are good too, though. Like you say, they go with everything. They're so versatile as a side dish.'

'Nope, they're good on their own too. Chilli fries, dude. The best. Get that chilli on there, some melted jack and I'm in heaven!'

He sorta gives me a sideways glance and turns the valve off, standing up and wiping his hands on his apron. 'I've never had them.'

 _WHAT!?_

'Wow, you really aren't from around here, are you. Stevie Jane's' got the best fries in town. They're so good, they fly off the shelf! If you're gonna be here a while you need to check them out.'

'But, which are the best ones?'

'Well, there's the Chilly Conkerdor, the green tomato Slop and Slide … yeah, they're good.' I'm drooling thinking about them. 'Plain Jane, just beans and cheese, but better than it sounds. Add some swiss and it's way too good. Fort Slaw. Slalom Matador. Face Slap. Not for beginners, unless you like your tastebuds stripped from your tongue. Five Dime Danny – the other day, they'd run out of sausage and put hamburger in it. Should stay that way. And then there's the –'

'Okay, I get it. You're a regular chilli fries connoisseur.' A flash of a smile hits his lips.

'What's that?' Connoisseur? 'You making fun of me?' Because if he is, I'll smack him into next week. I've had enough of guys thinking they're better than me this week. I'm so over it.

'It means you know a lot about fries. That's all.'

'Sensei of the fry.' I grin.

He smiles again. His face lightens up when he does that, but it's only for a second. Then the sour expression comes back.

'And as a fries con … conna … whatever, I gotta ask how somebody can go through life without chilli fries?'

He shrugs. 'I already said. I just prefer pizza, so I've never tried them.'

Nope. I'll fix that! Dude doesn't know what he's missing.

'Look, I don't usually do this, but you helped me out today, so I'm gonna help you out, okay. I gotta work til six, but I'm pretty much free after that. You gotta try Stevie's! I can't believe Chouji hasn't taken you there yet. Anyway. Meet me at Stevie's around six-thirty. I'll shout you some fries to say thanks for helping. It's the least I can do really.'

He's staring at me. He's chewing on his lower lip. His eyebrows are all knitted up like little twisted caterpillars.

'Dude? Fries? Six-thirty?' I'm gonna give up in a minute if he doesn't say anything. His loss. Stevie's is awesome! Even if this guy doesn't come along, I think I'll head out there tonight anyway. There's a plate of Conkerdor with my name on it.

Maybe two.

Three …

I'm grinning now. Yeah. Maybe I'll go for the record tonight! Four plates of Conkerdor! Believe it!

'So, you coming or not?'

'I need to go to the bathroom.' He wheels it outta there and takes forever getting back.

You know, when he's not hanging out with his jerk cousin, the guy is different. Like he's trying to impress Neji or something by acting all cool and arrogant. But, he's a bit awkward when he's not around.

I totally get it. You gotta save face when you hang with guys like Neji. I don't give a crap personally, and I don't try around him. Maybe that's why he doesn't like me? Dunno. But, this guy obviously cares what Neji thinks, otherwise why would his personality do a total one-eighty when he's not around?

Dude comes back looking a bit sick. 'Six-thirty?'

'Yeah. Six-thirty.' I give him the address. 'Bring whoever you want,' I say, hoping he doesn't bring Neji coz that would just ruin the night. He's such a jerk. The guy's looking at me weirdly, like he's challenging me or something. 'Uh, dude –'

'Sasuke.'

Ha! I knew it was something like that! Well, I didn't, but I'm not gonna tell him that. 'Sasuke … the fryer? I gotta get going soon or it'll be my butt, you know.'

He hands me a huge brush and a cloth, and we take one side of the vat each. It takes forever, but we get the place clean and I motor outta there. I'm gonna be late!

Again!


End file.
